Trying to Let Go

This is purely a freestyle posting.  A lot is on my mind as of late, and being home alone for several days has made it even worse.  My wife and son are back in our home town visiting her grandmother who is in the hospital.  I completely understand this and truly hope she gets better soon.  I just hate being alone right now.  It forces me to focus on what is going through my head.  On top of that, I worry about her and Aidan every minute they are gone.

For those who don't know, there was a shooting in Topeka two weeks to the day, almost to the hour, since I started typing this.  Two police officers were killed:  One was Officer Jeff Atherly, my dearest friend since first grade.  I am only 29 years old, so knowing him for 23 years of my life seems like forever.  In some way or another, he's been involved in every stage of my life:  grade school, middle school, high school.  He went to a different college for an entire semester, then after one semester off, he joined the same college I went to, Washburn University.  We joined the same fraternity at the same time.  He was the buddy I went to when my live in girlfriend dumped me and I for him.  We lived in a couple of houses together, including his mother's house, while we were in school.  We were there for each other's graduations, and he was the first person I talked to when I found out Melissa was pregnant.  He told me he suspected the same thing with Sharity, and strangely enough, I felt slightly better we were bothing going through it together.  We saw later there was nothing to worry about, and our kids became our greatest joys.  He was the godfather of Aidan, and the best man in my wedding.  In short, he was such a significant part of my life for such a long time, I'm still finding it difficult to truly accept he is gone.  The only good part of all this is I truly realized how many other wonderful friends I had, and how much support we showed each other through this tragedy.  Unfortunately, they are all friends with me as a result of Jeff, always dragging me by my nose to hang out with other people.  I can only hope I keep up the friendships on my own with him gone.  To my friends reading this, I love you guys, and please stay in touch.  I'm terrible about calling people, but will do my best.

Jeff was a great person.  There's no other way to put it.  He had this thing about him.  A bit of a human gravity well.  Countless people were unwittingly drawn to him and brought together over the years.  There were some I worried about, most without just cause, a few great cause.  I was afraid they would take advantage of our existing group of friends, or wrong us in some way.  Or, worse yet, that they would drag Jeff into their own bad world, which he seemed to toe the edge of many times.  What I didn't think about was if you want to pull people up, you first have to go down to them.  Not until years later did I see the results of his efforts.  Simply by offering them a buddy to hang out with and come to in a bad situation, or even going as far as offering up a roof and a fridge with things were especially tough, he had enough of an impact to change them.  He showed them someone cared, and they wound up caring about themselves.  I see he also helped bring me out of my shell, but I was the least of his worries.  If anything, he could have used more support from me, and at times I wish I could go back and change that.  I wish I could have loosened up a little and had a bit more fun...

What really brought this about was Christmas Eve.  In the past I've tried to text a few people, at the very least Jeff, to wish them an early Merry Christmas.  I started to scroll through my contacts, and then I realized Jeff's was still in there.  I felt like a lead weight.  I would never again be able to send him a text.  I wanted to so badly, though.  My last text came after hearing about the shooting.  I had not yet learned who was involved in the shooting, just that two officers were critically wounded.  So, I sent one asking if he was OK.  He never responded.  I didn't want to leave it at that.  I wanted to send him one last text, telling him how much I miss him, and I hope he's having a great time celebrating it with the guy who is the reason for this holiday.  But, I was afraid Sharity, his significant other, would see it, and it would upset her.  She's having such a hard time right now, and I don't want to do anything to upset her any further.  So, I didn't send it.  I sent no texts out that night, except in response to ones from my friends.  Yet, my thoughts remain and are just eating at me.

I've now gone from deeply sad to angry.  Beyond all the pomp and circumstance to honor the service of Jeff and Corporal David Gogian, I don't think they died a hero's death.  I don't mean that in disrespect, either.  It's not like they were going on a drug raid, or entering some other situation with immediate and high risks of injury or death.  No.  They simply responded to a routine call about a suspicious car and possible drug activity.  In reality, a worthless piece of human waste had tried to cash bad checks at a grocery store, and when he was turned away, he went to drinking and doing drugs with a couple of people in a car outside.  When Jeff and David walked up, the shit bag made the decision that avoiding a few months in jail or a fine was more important than their lives.  And he murdered them.  Without warning or cause, that thing (he doesn't deserve to be called a man or a person) took them away from their families.  Jeff will never get to marry Sharity, whom he told me early in their relationship he thought she was "the one."  His poor son Logan, who is the same age as Aidan, will never know him.  He doesn't even understand what is going on.  He parents did what no parent should have to do, and buried their only son.  And we all were left the poorer for it.

In the end, they found and killed the bastard.  That doesn't make me feel better, though.  Nothing will.  I want to piss on that drug head's grave.  I wish that thing was still alive, so Jeff's dad, mom, Sharity, and all of his friends could take a crack at him.  My parents happened to see one of the girls allegedly in the car with that turd when he did the unthinkable, and I found myself longing I was there when they did.  That way, I could yell and scream at her.  Surely she knew he had a gun.  How do you not notice that?  How do you not here him cock the hammer when you are three feet from him?  Why didn't you try to stop him, or say something to the officers?  But most of all, I just want Jeff to be back here.  I feel if I focus really hard, I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over.

My heart wishes all of these things, but my brain continues to snap me back to reality.  None of these will ever happen, and the one that is remotely possible, isn't right.  Those girls were likely to stoned, drunk, and ignorant to respond accordingly.  I will never know where the dirt bag is buried, he will never come back for a special vengeance session just for Jeff's friends and family, and I will never receive another text from Jeff.

On Christmas Eve, I thought about deleting Jeff's contact info from my phone.  I no longer have a need for it anymore.  But, I couldn't do it.  Doing so would be acknowledging I won't ever see or speak to him again.  I just can't do that yet.  Maybe someday I will, but for now, I'm just going to hang on a little longer.

FYI

Just a heads up, I plan to create multiple blogs to make the information more focused, and also plan to rename this one, when I come up with a name.

Stir Crazy

This unusually warm weather is really getting to me, and I don't mean I'm getting too hot.  I've been without a bike for 2 1/2 years now, and I'm sorely missing it.  My original idea was to build up a bike over time, but I won't get it together until the end of the year, at least.  The frame and fork I have sitting in the basement just aren't cutting it.  They're neat to look at, but I can't exactly go for a ride.

So, impatience is taking over and I'm looking to get riding, now!  Screw this whole "It's the experience of building the bike that's worth it."  I'll just take something with wheels at this point  and figure out how to tear it apart later.  So, in my boredom, I've done a little looking.

Option 1:  I found a good bike for $1,200.  It's a Santa Cruz Blur from '06/'07.  Not the newest of bikes, but Blurs and considered some of the best out there.  SC makes good dependable bikes and have a great rear suspension design.  I also think it's an LT, meaning it's not a race oriented and has a beefier, comfy design.  Though the frame is a bit older, the parts are mostly newer and nice, including a fork worth north of $700 brand spanking new.  The only problem is I'd have to pay for shipping, which is another $100.  I'm not entirely sure how I'd swing it, but I'd figure it out.  For starters, the fork and frame now would be sold.

Option 2:  I found a Titus Motolite for $1,100.  It's a '09, so newer than the Blur, and it has a sweet paint job.  Supposedly, it was a special edition.  I don't care, it looks awesome.  The parts are pretty nice, too.  If Blur LTs are #1 (and were voted top bike one year on the MTBR site, Motolites are not far behind.  I understand they have a little more suspension than the Blur.  Unfortunately, Titus went under a couple of years back and were bought up by another company, so I'm not sure about their customer service these days.  Fortunately, this bike is in Colorado Springs and I know people there, so they just might be able to drop it by and avoid shipping.  Maybe.

Option 3:  I suck it up and wait to finish out my bike.

Not necessarily asking for advice, but just doing some therapeutic typing.

The New Addition!!!

...  Is a dog!!  No babies right now.  But, he's like having another child, that's for sure.  You know, it's one thing changing dirty diapers, but doing that and scrubbing crap out of the carpet just isn't my idea of fun.  Though to be honest, that's not a big deal now.  We've actually had Dylan (not named after Bob Dylan) for over a month now, and potty training is going really well.  Aidan has taken so well to him, but they are like a couple of brothers.  Aidan will poke, prod, pull hair, and otherwise antagonize the poor dog, but when Dylan starts to play a little rough, Aidan screams and hollers like he's being murdered.  But, he still loves Dylan!  Melissa has taken to him well, too.  She never thought she was a dog person until we got him.  But, it's hard to resist a little fluff ball like him!  He's not so little anymore, either.  When we got him, he was 10 lbs.  Now he's 18lbs, and still growing.  i knew golden retrievers grew fast, but wow!  I'm not ready for him to get big yet.  He's going to knock over everything.  We at least need to get him better trained, something I'm failing at.

Good Lord it's hot in here.  Is this the first of May, or first of July?

Week 1 is Done

I've finally finished "Week 1" of the P90X program.  It only took 3 weeks!  I started, got through day for, stopped for a few days, restarted, and completed it over a week and a half.  And I'm not technically done.  I just finished the final workout for the week.  Tomorrow, I'm supposed to stretch or rest.  I am damn dedicated!  Haha!  Next week will be better. I'm already seeing progress, and the more I do it, the better.

So, I started off at 153.4 lbs and after weighing this morning, I was 151.8 lbs.  Not exactly the direction I planned to head as I don't really need to lose weight.  Looks like I should probably eat a bit more.  Aiming for proteins to build muscle and carbs for energy, but I understand I need fat too, and I need it all in a balance amount.  If you have an ideas of some good food, that would help.  I'm taking in protein powder after working out, and I've found these Balance Bars, which have a good amount of all three.  I will probably start getting those a bit more.  They taste pretty good, too!

On the plus side, my body fat % according to the bathroom scale did drop a bit.  It went from 16.1% at the start to 15.5% today, so I'm well in the "fit" range.  Funny because I don't feel fit.

I now have two reasons to get in shape.  First, I want to go on bike rides with others again without getting absolutely beat after the first hour.  It's just embarrassing.  Fortunately, these workouts have plenty of cardio.  But now, Melissa found a 5K at the end of June she'd like for us to do together.  I used to be able to do that non-stop without too much issue, but I don't know about now.  On top of the P90X, I'll likely start running outside when it's nice and I'm not alone with Aidan, or start cycling when I pick up my old bike from Melissa's mom.  I'd just like to do this with her.  It'd be a great goal for both of us, and we need some shared activities.

Let's Get it Started

OK, it's high time I started the fitness thing.  I'm so out of shape it's embarrassing.  I've talked about it and considered it and kicked it around and blah blah blah.  Time to stop making excuses, get off my ass, and do something.  So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to dust off P90X and start working out, start drinking tons of water, and focus getting lots of protein, iron, and healthy fats in my diet.  At least, I say that now.  To help motivate me, I'm going to post my rather sad numbers.

My chest is a mighty 35.5" around.  Waist is 31.5".  My arms are 11".  Hips are 37.75", and thighs are 21.5".  I currently weigh 153.4 lbs with a BF of 16.1%.  That last part of weight and BF my sound healthy, but don't let it fool you.  I don't feel healthy, and I'm scrawny.  End of story.  My goal is to take these measurements monthly, with the hopes of seeing increases in weight, arms, and chest, and decreases in waist, hips and thighs.  If you think I sound like a girl, piss off.  I just want to be healthy.

New Wheels!

I'm getting some new wheels for my bike!  That puts me one step closer to getting it ready, and it's a big step at that.  A good set of wheels will cost as much as the frame or a suspension fork, but may be even more important.  You by a junk frame, chances are it's heavy or the rear suspension design is crap, but not dangerous.  You by a sucky fork, it'll probably not work well or break down quickly, but then it just becomes an overly heavy rigid fork.  But, if the hubs of your wheels go out, you're gonna have a really bad day.  Not to mention, heavy wheels are worse than other heavy parts because you have to constantly work to keep those wheels spinning.
So, here's what I'm getting.  I'm getting Stans Flow rims with a Hope Pro 2 front hub and Chris King rear hub.  The Stans Flow rims are wide and solid, so they can accomodate wide tires (great for grip and cushion).  They also have a reputation for being bullet proof, so it'll be very hard for me to screw them up.  The Hope Pro 2 front hub is a reliable, sturdy hub, but isn't anything special.  Not that you need that for a front hub.  If it spins and doesn't get ridicously dirty, it's good.  The CK rear is a thing of beauty, though.  First of all, most rear hubs use a normal ratchet system, in that there's a gear in the center with teeth pointed in one direction, and pawls on the outside pointed in the opposite direction to catch the gear.  In most hubs, the number of teeth and gears result in 12 -24 points of engagement.  That means there are 12-24 possible ways for at least one pawl to grip the gear when pedaling.  The more engagement points, the better because you have to move the pedals less to actually make the bike move.  That's a benefit in so many ways.  However, the CK rear hub uses a slightly different system, known a ringdrive system, which uses a pair of stainless steel rings.  These rings have 72 engagement points, so the nanosecond you pedal, the wheel moves.  In addition, these rings are sturdy SOBs.  Most pawl systems can slip and be damaged if you are pedaling exceptionally hard.  A good athlete can put enough torque into them to cause the pawls to slip, bend or brake, or cause the gear to do the same.  The rings, on the other hand, lock together tightly, and can handle up to 800 ft/lbs. of torque.  Suffice to say, these are where it's at.
And for this, I have to thank Jon.  He's the guy that's sold me the frame, the fork, and in a few months, the wheels, and all at great prices.  Trust me, I researched this stuff until my head was spinning to make sure I was getting a good deal.  It benefits me because I don't have to pay the stupid prices for new stuff, I don't have to pay the Paypal fees or shipping for buying in Fleabay, and I've found a good biking buddy who doesn't have a problem helping me wrench if I need it.  He also has badass stuff.  It benefits him because he gets cash from someone he knows, doesn't have to package and ship, and doesn't have to worry about Paypal fees either.  Win/win.