This is purely a freestyle posting. A lot is on my mind as of late, and being home alone for several days has made it even worse. My wife and son are back in our home town visiting her grandmother who is in the hospital. I completely understand this and truly hope she gets better soon. I just hate being alone right now. It forces me to focus on what is going through my head. On top of that, I worry about her and Aidan every minute they are gone.
For those who don't know, there was a shooting in Topeka two weeks to the day, almost to the hour, since I started typing this. Two police officers were killed: One was Officer Jeff Atherly, my dearest friend since first grade. I am only 29 years old, so knowing him for 23 years of my life seems like forever. In some way or another, he's been involved in every stage of my life: grade school, middle school, high school. He went to a different college for an entire semester, then after one semester off, he joined the same college I went to, Washburn University. We joined the same fraternity at the same time. He was the buddy I went to when my live in girlfriend dumped me and I for him. We lived in a couple of houses together, including his mother's house, while we were in school. We were there for each other's graduations, and he was the first person I talked to when I found out Melissa was pregnant. He told me he suspected the same thing with Sharity, and strangely enough, I felt slightly better we were bothing going through it together. We saw later there was nothing to worry about, and our kids became our greatest joys. He was the godfather of Aidan, and the best man in my wedding. In short, he was such a significant part of my life for such a long time, I'm still finding it difficult to truly accept he is gone. The only good part of all this is I truly realized how many other wonderful friends I had, and how much support we showed each other through this tragedy. Unfortunately, they are all friends with me as a result of Jeff, always dragging me by my nose to hang out with other people. I can only hope I keep up the friendships on my own with him gone. To my friends reading this, I love you guys, and please stay in touch. I'm terrible about calling people, but will do my best.
Jeff was a great person. There's no other way to put it. He had this thing about him. A bit of a human gravity well. Countless people were unwittingly drawn to him and brought together over the years. There were some I worried about, most without just cause, a few great cause. I was afraid they would take advantage of our existing group of friends, or wrong us in some way. Or, worse yet, that they would drag Jeff into their own bad world, which he seemed to toe the edge of many times. What I didn't think about was if you want to pull people up, you first have to go down to them. Not until years later did I see the results of his efforts. Simply by offering them a buddy to hang out with and come to in a bad situation, or even going as far as offering up a roof and a fridge with things were especially tough, he had enough of an impact to change them. He showed them someone cared, and they wound up caring about themselves. I see he also helped bring me out of my shell, but I was the least of his worries. If anything, he could have used more support from me, and at times I wish I could go back and change that. I wish I could have loosened up a little and had a bit more fun...
What really brought this about was Christmas Eve. In the past I've tried to text a few people, at the very least Jeff, to wish them an early Merry Christmas. I started to scroll through my contacts, and then I realized Jeff's was still in there. I felt like a lead weight. I would never again be able to send him a text. I wanted to so badly, though. My last text came after hearing about the shooting. I had not yet learned who was involved in the shooting, just that two officers were critically wounded. So, I sent one asking if he was OK. He never responded. I didn't want to leave it at that. I wanted to send him one last text, telling him how much I miss him, and I hope he's having a great time celebrating it with the guy who is the reason for this holiday. But, I was afraid Sharity, his significant other, would see it, and it would upset her. She's having such a hard time right now, and I don't want to do anything to upset her any further. So, I didn't send it. I sent no texts out that night, except in response to ones from my friends. Yet, my thoughts remain and are just eating at me.
I've now gone from deeply sad to angry. Beyond all the pomp and circumstance to honor the service of Jeff and Corporal David Gogian, I don't think they died a hero's death. I don't mean that in disrespect, either. It's not like they were going on a drug raid, or entering some other situation with immediate and high risks of injury or death. No. They simply responded to a routine call about a suspicious car and possible drug activity. In reality, a worthless piece of human waste had tried to cash bad checks at a grocery store, and when he was turned away, he went to drinking and doing drugs with a couple of people in a car outside. When Jeff and David walked up, the shit bag made the decision that avoiding a few months in jail or a fine was more important than their lives. And he murdered them. Without warning or cause, that thing (he doesn't deserve to be called a man or a person) took them away from their families. Jeff will never get to marry Sharity, whom he told me early in their relationship he thought she was "the one." His poor son Logan, who is the same age as Aidan, will never know him. He doesn't even understand what is going on. He parents did what no parent should have to do, and buried their only son. And we all were left the poorer for it.
In the end, they found and killed the bastard. That doesn't make me feel better, though. Nothing will. I want to piss on that drug head's grave. I wish that thing was still alive, so Jeff's dad, mom, Sharity, and all of his friends could take a crack at him. My parents happened to see one of the girls allegedly in the car with that turd when he did the unthinkable, and I found myself longing I was there when they did. That way, I could yell and scream at her. Surely she knew he had a gun. How do you not notice that? How do you not here him cock the hammer when you are three feet from him? Why didn't you try to stop him, or say something to the officers? But most of all, I just want Jeff to be back here. I feel if I focus really hard, I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over.
My heart wishes all of these things, but my brain continues to snap me back to reality. None of these will ever happen, and the one that is remotely possible, isn't right. Those girls were likely to stoned, drunk, and ignorant to respond accordingly. I will never know where the dirt bag is buried, he will never come back for a special vengeance session just for Jeff's friends and family, and I will never receive another text from Jeff.
On Christmas Eve, I thought about deleting Jeff's contact info from my phone. I no longer have a need for it anymore. But, I couldn't do it. Doing so would be acknowledging I won't ever see or speak to him again. I just can't do that yet. Maybe someday I will, but for now, I'm just going to hang on a little longer.
No comments:
Post a Comment